Homage to My Wife This Mother's Day

A digital illustration of my wife, Liezl, and my youngest daughter, Belle. I used Corel Painter X in creating this one.

I am posting a letter that I wrote during last year's Mother's Day as a homage to Liezl. Time sure flies very fast. It's been 14th months since my wife died. But the loneliness and grief still remains:

First of all, I would like to express my deep gratitude for the love and support you have given us. Liezl’s passing would have been harder to accept without the sympathy of all the relatives and friends who comforted us during one of the saddest moments of our lives.

It has been two months since Liezl’s demise, I still can’t believe that she is really gone. Events just happened too fast. I feel that I am in a very bad dream, I want to wake up but I just can’t. I just have to face reality straight in the eye. It’s hard but I have to be strong for my kids. These past few months were a rollercoaster ride of different emotions. From loneliness, fear, hopelessness, hopefulness , guilt, regrets, uncertainty, relief, anger, acceptance, faith in God, a mixed of both positive and negative emotions. As part of my grieving process, I just let myself feel all those emotions. There are times that I just like to wallow in those emotions.

I will never forget that last few days of Liezl in the hospital. It started that Friday afternoon, March 5, when I accompanied Liezl for her chest ultrasound. I was at the foot of her bed during the whole procedure. We were directly facing each other. As I looked at Liezl, even through her thin and frail appearance, I could see how beautiful her face was. There was a different aura in her. I felt that her beautiful face was radiating but I can’t explain it. I was just simply overwhelmed with her beauty. Maybe her guardian angel was already there, accompanying both of us.

By late afternoon, Liezl had her thoracentesis. 1.2 liters of fluid were extracted from her right lungs. It was a simple procedure and was administered in her room. She was asked to sit at the side of her bed with her back facing the doctors. I was in front of her embracing her the whole time. Her breathing improved after the process. She felt better that night, although she was still under observation. Just like any other night, for the past four months or so, that night was no different. She still was not able to sleep. Liezl only sleeps for about two to three hours every night. She does not want to sleep because she was afraid that she might not wake up anymore.

By Saturday, after lunch, the doctor told us that if Liezl’s breathing still does not improve, they have to do another procedure. They will have to insert a tube from Liezl’s right side straight to her lungs. This will fully drain the fluid and air packets in her lungs. And if this still doesn’t work, they will have to put a tube from her throath to her lungs as the last option. By late afternoon, there were no improvement in Liezl’s breathing so the doctor advised us to proceed in putting a tube at Liezl’s right side. She was scheduled for surgery that night. But before the actual procedure, our surgeon talked to me first and told me of the consequence of the operation. He said that there is no guarantee that it will work. It might help her or it might even make the situation worst because the wound might give more pain to Liezl. So during that night I was already preparing for the worst.

I accompanied Liezl to the operating room. While she was undergoing the procedure, I went home for a while to do some errands. By the time I returned to the hospital, Liezl was already in her room. The operation only took about an hour or two. The tube was still inserted in Liezl’s side. Liezl was restless the whole night up to early dawn. I, on my part, was already worried but I tried not to show it. The whole night, I observed Liezl’s breathing through her oxygen respirator. There was no improvement. Also, I observed from the body language of our attending doctor his concern because there were no development.

To conceal my worry, I just laid in the hospital couch and tried to sleep. I let Nanay and Tatay took care of Liezl the whole night up to early dawn. Liezl did not sleep that night inspite of the medication they gave her. She was very restless, trying to get the IV tube , oxygen mask and other tubes off her. Arguing with Nanay and Tatay, complaining about the pain on her side, etc. That early dawn, I already felt that I am slowly losing Liezl. I tried to sleep but I cannot sleep.

By Sunday morning, Liezl became very calm. An exact opposite of what she was just a few hours before. I will never forget that moment, we were alone in the room. Tatay was downstairs while Nanay was inside the bathroom. She asked me to approach her and gently told me the following words: “ Heto na, nararamdaman ko na. (This is it, I can already feel it.) Bye. I love you.” Upon hearing those words, I started to cry, I told her to not lose hope, to not give up. She told me that she is already tired and would like to rest. That she is now ready to go home. For the past three to four months, Liezl was very worried and was afraid of dying. But that Sunday morning, I saw a different Liezl. She was very calm and at peace. She was already prepared to face our creator. I told her that whatever happens, God will not forsake us. I also told her that I will never get tired of taking care of her, that I love her very much.

My only regret is I interrupted her while she was bidding me farewell. I was still not ready to let her go, not until I hear the final confirmation from our doctor. If I had only accepted her goodbye that moment, we could have discuss her dying more thoroughly. For the past months, Liezl and I avoided talking about death.

When Nanay went out of the bathroom, Liezl also calmly bid her goodbye. She told Nanay to take good care of the kids. Nanay also started to cry and refused to let go of Liezl. But she assured Liezl that she will take care of the kids, specially Belle.

By lunch time, the doctors told us that last night’s procedure was not working. To prolong Liezl’s life, they have to put a tube inside her throat up to her lungs. It will not cure Liezl’s illness but will only prolong her life. Taking my cue from what Liezl told me earlier, I did not hesitate to decide against the procedure. I told the doctors that we will just let the natural process takes its course. We will leave it entirely to God’s hand. His will be done.

Finally hearing the doctors’ confirmation, I immediately went to Liezl and told her that it is okey for her to go. If she already wants to rest, I am now ready to let her go. I thanked her for all the things that she has done for us, for me. I told her not to worry about me and the kids, that we will cope in our own time, that whatever happens God will always be with her. We also talked about her final request , she wants to be buried in Kalayaan Laguna the traditional way. I told her that I love her very very much. She reciprocated by saying the same thing. I can still see her face clearly lying in her bed forcing herself to speak since she was already losing her voice. The image when she whispered to me “I love you” is still very vivid in my mind. I will never forget that moment as long as I live.

That whole day, Liezl remained calm and at peace. She was not feeling any pain as I recall. If there was pain, it was very minimal. She also had the opportunity to bid goodbye and say her final requests to almost everybody in the family and close friends. You can feel a different aura inside the room. As what my brother said, it felt that the Holy Spirit was flooding the whole room. As Liezl was saying her goodbye to everybody, no single tear fell from her eyes. She knew that it was her time to go. And she faced it very calmly and with full faith in God. It was the most memorable, touching and solemnest experience of my life. It was a real faith experience that forever changed me and my view of life and death.

I will never forget when she said goodbye to our kids, how she caressed Patty’s hair and how tight she embraced Pauline and Benjo. I will never forget her smile when she chanted these encouraging words to Belle: “Matapang si Belle, Matapang si Belle, Matapang si Belle!”(Belle is courageous, Belle is courageous, Belle is courageous!”) I will never forget her sense of humor up to the last moment. While I was beside her that afternoon, she teased me by tickling my nipple and smiling at me. That was our last intimate act as husband and wife.

When night came, Liezl’s condition started to deteriorate. She was quite restless and was moaning all through the night. By early dawn, she was already in coma, breathing like she was gasping for air. At around 6:30 am, I went to the comfort room to urinate. When I came out, I heard my relatives crying. When I saw Liezl, she was not breathing. I went near her and for the last time I saw her last gasp of air. Even up to her last breath Liezl waited for me. I thanked her and God for letting me see her final breath. My daughter, Pauline, saw what happened while I was in the comfort room. She told me that she saw her Mom’s pupil rolled up and then one big inhale, then she stopped breathing. Liezl was declared officially dead at 6:44 am on March 8, 2010.

One thing I noticed about her death, she was like a candle that slowly melted away. I am very grateful that she did not die like other cancer patients who were screaming in pain. We can see that God did not forsake us during the whole time. He did not allow Liezl to suffer in extreme pain throughout her sickness. If I have to go, I will definitely choose the way Liezl departed. God's blessing was very evident up to her death. What keeps me strong in this time of grief is the assurance that God is in full control. We may never know or understand his plans, but He will never do things that will harm His children. We just have to have full faith in his divine providence. I thank Him for sharing Liezl to us for 41 years.

I apologize for my very long letter. Again, thank you very much for all the love and support you have given us.


God bless.
Benjie, Pauline, Patty, Benjo and Belle